I'm not sure where I'm going with this...

I haven’t got access to my recent entries as I type this new entry for my blog (which I usually draft away from home as way to stave off boredom elsewhere), so I’m entirely sure what I said previously. I know I certainly discussed moving to get onto anti-depressants and going through the side effects that starting on such a drug brings. I’ll lead on from there for the time being.

My last experience with anti-depressants was so long ago that my main recollections of the drug was the nausea that accompanied the start of my time on the drug and the fact that I felt that they’re weren’t working, that my mood never seemed to improve. This time around, and with the help of these entries, I can at least have a record of my experiences this time around. Firstly, the physical symptoms of being on the drug seem to have subsided almost completely. There has been the occasional day, even six weeks after starting the drug, where I’ve felt slightly nauseous again (usually after having something dairy) and a few occasions where the shakes and/or hot sweats have resurfaced but these have been few and far between compared to the amount of days without any of these symptoms. Emotionally however, while feeling calmer and less anxious than before, I have continued to have good days and bad. Sometimes they’ve been the same day.

I have had some bad days, or I should say low days, since I noticed an improvement in my overall calm which is an improvement I am currently crediting to the anti-depressants. These low days have also been difficult in that it has been hard on some occasions to pinpoint why I’m feeling low and/or see what triggered the mood. Work tends to be the main reason when I can identify one, the usual frustrations with colleagues or fighting occasional bouts of boredom still persisting. My uncle’s condition (worsening) has been a reason too of course. After speaking to Zoe, I have taken the decision that upon my next visit to my doctor to discuss the progress of my current treatment that I will request to be put on the waiting list for further counselling. Counselling has helped before and while I felt it unnecessary this time around when I first approached my doctor, the appeal of speaking to someone impartial especially considering that I know that not all my frustrations revolve around my uncle, means that counselling really could help even if I am still somewhat doubtful. It is only a waiting list, or will be, at the moment and should be mood change in the time it takes to be scheduled to see a counsellor then I can decline that treatment at a later date. I have little to lose.

There have been good days too. Sometimes, almost without reason also, I have found myself feeling remarkably positive, optimistic and bursting with confidence. While these occasions seem to last for a shorter period than the periods where I feel low they have, nevertheless, been very very welcome. I have also found that my interest in things that I’ve previously found on the decline have begun to increase again. While I am a man and sex is never that far from my mind, my actual interest in sex had certainly declined in recent years and the length of time where I have been single. Just recently though I have found my interest increasing again (and a very recent return to having dreams, of which I don’t remember having for years, has been amusing and welcome). It has been quite surprising and pleasant if a little frustrating at times too given I am still single but it has been welcome all the same. I am also finding myself more romantically interested in others than I have been in a long time which also bears equal measures of good and bad feeling. Good that I am interested, bad in the usual way that I’ve usually been when confronted with such feelings where I question my worthiness, question whether I should act upon them and especially question what would happen if I did act upon these interests especially if they resulted in a positive response (which usually develop another fear within me of it being taken away at a later date). I haven’t really acted upon these feelings though. I tiptoe around them, try to hint here and there but am ultimately too shy and scared of what the actual response would be that I know that while I feel more at ease and confident than I have in a long time, my confidence isn’t strong enough yet. I am still grateful for these feelings though and am perfectly happy with them the way they are for the time being.

Other positives I’ve noticed recently are that I’m finding it easier to sleep. To get to sleep that is as my usual habit of finding myself wide awake at 1 or 2am trying to turn off my mind and rest has started to be overwhelmed by physical exhaustion that has begun to arise with midnight now being the more traditional hour where I feel ready for bed and relaxing enough to fall asleep sooner being much easier thanks to that exhaustion. Of course this has also resulted in greater difficulty in waking up in the morning! Some days are harder than most when I know I have to be at work but generally I am feeling better rested than before. My recent, and continued, weight loss which, while not an effect of the anti-depressants, has been uplifting too. Having managed to lose 20 lbs in weight since May, I seem thinner and healthier than before even if the weight loss is only really noticeable on my legs, sides and face rather than around by belly which is where I’d prefer to see the weight-loss, I am feeling pleased with the results and all the more invested in losing more and exercising a little more to assist the loss.

Recording the recent events and changes just in this entry has already proven to be helpful. While I know I had been having good days I had been thinking quite a lot on the low days and of times where I notice my frustrations in the workplace resurfacing but in describing the positive feelings and changes that I’ve been having then I see that there has, perhaps, been more of a positive upswing to my life recently. Whether this is just the anti-depressants, though I like to think they’re just helping and I’m finding my own strength to improve (I’m certainly pushing myself to be more social and go out with friends), it is still an improvement. I’m far too sceptical of life and for good reason, to start believing that everything is going to continue to get better and that future entries here will see an increased level of positivity but it’s reassuring to know that, if only for the moment, there is some good happening.

Nothing ever really goes to plan

After my wish to be more pro-active and progress with improving my situation that I mentioned in my last entry, I found myself, unsurprisingly, waylaid by other events. However, in their own way, this has also lead to improvements of a sort for the moment.

As of today, I have finally registered for an Open University course to start in the autumn. This after a previous claim to get the application completed within a week, has not happened until now but I am happy and nervous, to be able to say that it has been done at last. Whether it will be an enriching experience remains to be seen but it’s a start at doing something which is encouraging enough for me at the moment when I need to feel encouraged.

My feelings over the past few weeks regarding my uncle have also reached something of a turning point. After resisting talking to friends out of the fear that I’d be burdening them with the news and my emotional baggage I did discuss my feelings with a friend which then lead to me, with that friend’s encouragement, to talk to others. It did help in a way but in bringing the feelings I have been having to the forefront to a point where I found myself no longer capable of containing my feelings. Finding myself in tears or close to tears whenever I started to think about discussing my uncle and sometimes breaking down when I did I chose to do something that I hadn’t intended of ever doing again and that was to consult a doctor about seeking the help of medication to cope with my feelings. When I suffered depression during my years at university I was prescribed an anti-depressant called Seroxat and I never felt at the time that they were of any help at all. Perhaps they were of help in that they prevented me from slipping deeper into depression but after a year and a half and a failed attempt at receiving counselling, I decided to go it alone and weaned myself off the medication. The result was actually quite positive. I felt I’d made an achievement in getting off the medication and in helping myself and with a more successful second attempt with counselling a couple of years later I came away feeling much more positive about myself and my life. While I would never say I escaped depression in the meantime I certainly felt I had the tools to prevent it ever become debilitating again. At least until now.

After a long discussion with my doctor, of which I’m very grateful as I’ve met many doctors eager to throw medication at a patient without really examining the root causes of their problems or the actual necessity of medication, we did in fact decide on a temporary prescription of an anti-depression called Citalopram. I already have another appointment in with my doctor to review the effects and to decide whether it would be beneficial to continue while my family and my uncle prey on our minds and I am already encouraged by the attention being given to the problem by my doctor. Whilst a little anxious about submitting myself to medication again, I have acknowledged that I needed more help than just discussing my feelings was providing. Hopefully the medication does help though it means I have spent most of the past 10 days coping with the initial, unpleasant, side-effects of anti-depressants as my body adapted to the drug. Shakes, nausea, hot sweats, headaches and dizziness were the main symptoms I’ve been dealing with and my sleeping patterns were disturbed quite badly too. Having lost a lot of weight recently with more while unwell (thanks to a fear of eating in case the nausea brought everything back up) I at least feel physically healthier now that the side-effects have subsided and I’m able to get back to a regular routine.

I am now waiting to see if the medication has positive effects which could still take some time to see but the steps taken in the last few weeks, while not what I’d originally been planning, have at least given me the hope of improvement of my emotional well being and, with the finally completed application & registration of my course, I feel I am making further progression in that area of my life too.

While my original plan never came together as I had intended, I have still reached some of the same goals via a different route. Hopefully I’ll have more positive things to say in my next entry.

Here we go again...

It has been a couple of weeks since my first, and last, entry. Whether these entries will become more frequent or less I am not sure. I had imagined at the time of putting together that first entry that this would be more regular but I’m never particularly consistent with my goals being overly optimistic or pessimistic depending entirely upon my mood at the time.

Anyway, one highlight in the time since my last entry was my trip to Edinburgh. As usual I take holidays alone. Part of this is out of the feeling that it is nice to be able to spend time enjoying my holiday at my own pace and doing things according to my own agenda rather than debating or compromising over activities with a fellow friend and holiday-goer. Another reason is the typical worry that I might be imposing too much upon them by asking them to come or expecting them to compromise on their own enjoyment for mine. It really is their decision to make over whether they want to do that or not and as a friend advised me just yesterday, in regards to my reluctance to tell many friends about my uncle’s situation and how I’m feeling, they might want to be there for me, or with me and I am depriving them of making that choice. It makes me feel somewhat guilty and I guess it should.

Now, back to Edinburgh though and the break itself. I had a good time. The break away from my usual hometown of Nottingham, from my work and all the stress and worries related to it, and as a distraction from the general low feelings I’ve been having were all welcoming. Edinburgh was a good choice for several reasons. First, I’ve always wanted to visit Scotland and with me now fast approaching thirty and knowing that I’ve often taken holidays abroad rather than explore areas of my own country, I felt the trip was long overdue. Another reason was the Edinburgh Film Festival.

One problem I’ve always faced when taking holidays alone is how to fulfil my evenings. Daytimes are fine as attractions are open and I spend the days walking the streets, sightseeing, maybe shopping a little or relaxing in a nice café. In the evening, many activities seem best enjoyed with company. I can, and have, spent times in bars quietly reading to myself in a corner as others engage in more lively, frivolous activities but bars are more frequently a place to enjoy yourself whilst in the company of friends. Dining out is another difficult activity in the evening whilst alone because of the social stigma attached to being seen at a table eating a meal alone. Sometimes you might attend a play or go to the cinema but, if abroad, the options of what you can see and understand (if not in an English-speaking country) can also be limited. In Edinburgh though, particularly during the film festival, I have all my time covered. My days can be spent sightseeing and my evening attending premieres of upcoming films in and environment where attending alone is more acceptable. This worked out quite well and the holiday was very enjoyable.

Amongst the activities I enjoyed including plenty of walking and hiking. The hiking in particular was good as I chose to spend one afternoon hiking up to Arthur’s Seat, the highest point in Edinburgh atop and extinct volcano. The weather was pleasant and turned so hot that I managed to get briefly sunburned leaving tan lines upon my arms that are still clearly visible as I type this. The climb was quite pleasant too if a little too exhausting at times particularly in regards to my knees with which I’ve often suffered aches and pains but try not to allow to prevent me from walking frequently which is an activity I enjoy. The climb took about an hour and required quite a bit of effort at times and even featured one moment that I found particularly humorous when I found, as I approached the top of a peak and turned a corner, another, much higher peak which I still had to climb! Anyway, the activity once completed was enjoyable and gave me a nice feeling of achievement, a feeling I don’t think I’d truly felt in quite a while and I was able to enjoy the breathtaking view of Edinburgh and Scotland. There were plenty of other worthy sights which I enjoyed whilst there including Edinburgh Castle, a trip to the zoo that I enjoyed with an almost childish glee and the National Museum of Scotland that featured several impressive exhibits in a wonderfully laid out facility. I also truly enjoyed the films I was able to see at the festival too and felt particular proud of myself for being brave enough to ask questions of the filmmakers at the Q&A sessions following two of the films I saw.

Away from home and the usual routines and problems, Edinburgh was an enjoyable experience and allowed me to feel more free and confident that I had in a while. Though, in retrospect, I do wonder how much more fun could have been had had I proposed the trip to a few friends and persuaded them to come.

Of course, returning to Nottingham and to work, amongst other things, has brought many problems back. They never go away just because you’re ignoring them, they always wait for you. Work was less of an issue as it, at the moment, little more than tedious but my mind has returned to dwelling upon issues I’ve yet to truly come to terms with like my uncle and with the goals I’ve yet to achieve satisfactorily with my 30th birthday approaching next month, a milestone where, as a child, I’d imagined I would have achieved more by the time I’d reached it. Some doubts that had creeped into my mind prior to my holiday regarding whether I really should pursue further education again at the Open University had resurfaced but I feel have been quashed, for now, after seeing another friend put in an application for a course and after speaking to a work colleague. It is my intention to get the necessary forms filled and sent within the next week. Now that I’ve recorded that intention here I also now feel more compelled to ensure that it is done. The only other goal I’d like to make more of an effort to remedy is my singledom. Whilst enjoying my privacy frequently there are certainly times, such as recently with my uncle, where I feel I really need someone close to me to give emotional support, more so than a friend (and especially since I’m so reluctant to involve friends anyway). That, amongst other reasons, is giving me reason to be concerned and try to better my efforts. However, as always, I have no ideas with which I hold confidence in, to change my situation. Maybe thoughts upon this topic are something to focus upon in my next entry.

That’s it for now. Now I’m going to make an attempt to reach out to a friend for help. A friend other than those I can talk to but remain at a distance from for various reasons (they don’t live nearby or rarely speak to outside of an online environment). Talking about this, putting it down into words somewhere and in some form helps some, but I do need my friends.

I might regret this. Hopefully not.

I need to relax more. I do allow myself plenty of time to relax if, by relax, I mean sitting at home alone watching TV whilst surfing the internet, checking Twitter for updates every 15 minutes or so, rechecking facebook for updates or looking at film and comic book sites for new news and/or interviews with which to pass the time and act as surrogates for actually going out and experiencing life. Of course it occurs to me that this isn’t quite the relaxation that I require as this constant need for new information and, hopefully, some positive attention from people I converse with online actually provides its own kind of stress and can only be classed as relaxation when compared with activities that are more stressful such as actually going to work or going out in public. I find it difficult to just switch off and relax so how many of my personal and private activities can truly be described as relaxation?

These thoughts come after the distressing news I received over the last few days about my uncle. I love my uncle though I rarely say it, in fact I rarely say such things at all to the people those feelings are intended for as though it would be too embarrassing, and the thought of losing my uncle has caused me much anxiety as he, along with my Granddad, are amongst the only male role models I ever really had throughout my life in the absence of an actual father. With my Granddad having passed away a few years ago, the thought of losing my uncle is proving difficult to handle. The news is that my uncle, having been diagnosed with Bowel Cancer recently, had been informed by doctors that the cancer was confined just to his large bowel and that they could operate to remove the bowel. This was the best news we could have hoped for in the situation. While my uncle would have to use a bag to urinate and defecate from then on, the alternative of the cancer having become more aggressive meant that this was still good news. At least this was what we all thought. My uncle had his operation a few days ago and we were told it went well. We were told just that and that he’d need a few weeks to recover and they would discuss what happens next to my uncle after he’d awakened from his operation. All seemed good until the doctors came back and informed my uncle that there was more cancer. It has spread, there is a lot of it and some of it is too solid to be treated by chemotherapy and further operations are not an option either. All this means that nothing can be done, this coming after we all thought there was hope. The doctors cannot even tell my uncle, or us, how much time he might have left right now. It’s all up to the cancer now and how quickly it continues to spread.

The point of all this is and how it relates to how I thought I was relaxing is that in my sadness and pain, in my family’s sadness and pain, my usual avenues to talk to friends has, so far, proven ineffective as a means of finding support. How can I talk about this through facebook, Twitter or even e-mail? In times of grief everything seems so trite, on the internet it seems especially so. However, I’ve gotten so used to talking to friends through an electronic medium that actually phoning a friend or visiting a friend seems strange and too much of an imposition on their time to even consider. At the moment there is still family to rally round and talk to though it seems hard for my family, or at least for me, to discuss our feelings at times such as these. We know we are hurting but it is through an almost unspoken acknowledgment and that seems enough for us, for now. We are rallying around, in our own way, to show support for my uncle and for each other though at this particular moment, so soon after the news, we all still seem a bit frozen, paralyzed by the news and its implications.

My only avenue at the moment, it feels, is to try and put down what I’m feeling and thinking. So here we are. The irony of recognising the relative ineffectiveness of the internet as a tool to communicate, seek support or to relax yet finding it of help right now is not lost on me. If you are reading this then thank you. I would likely be better off though telling you all this face to face in an environment where I can’t control every expression to the littlest detail and allow myself to be vulnerable. It would probably be more of a release.

What I should be doing, what we all should be doing if you’re finding yourself in a similar situation or having similar thoughts and feelings, is letting go a bit more and finding ways to relax that actually relax you and if the ability to communicate through something like the internet and its many social networking platforms is proving too distracting, too addictive, that it prevents relaxation or is isolating you from more beneficial means of support and company then that is all the more reason to turn off your computer and try something else. Go meet your friends, I should too, and allow for the unpredictability of what might occur. Let go of the supposedly safe environment of your home and your computer or of your own mind and allow yourself to be vulnerable. I realise more right now that letting go would be more helpful and more relaxing not just with what I’m going through at this time but with my life as a whole.

My usual avenues for communication and relaxation should be tools to aid and arrange them and not be used as substitutes for either. With some effort I can make the change.