Nothing ever really goes to plan

After my wish to be more pro-active and progress with improving my situation that I mentioned in my last entry, I found myself, unsurprisingly, waylaid by other events. However, in their own way, this has also lead to improvements of a sort for the moment.

As of today, I have finally registered for an Open University course to start in the autumn. This after a previous claim to get the application completed within a week, has not happened until now but I am happy and nervous, to be able to say that it has been done at last. Whether it will be an enriching experience remains to be seen but it’s a start at doing something which is encouraging enough for me at the moment when I need to feel encouraged.

My feelings over the past few weeks regarding my uncle have also reached something of a turning point. After resisting talking to friends out of the fear that I’d be burdening them with the news and my emotional baggage I did discuss my feelings with a friend which then lead to me, with that friend’s encouragement, to talk to others. It did help in a way but in bringing the feelings I have been having to the forefront to a point where I found myself no longer capable of containing my feelings. Finding myself in tears or close to tears whenever I started to think about discussing my uncle and sometimes breaking down when I did I chose to do something that I hadn’t intended of ever doing again and that was to consult a doctor about seeking the help of medication to cope with my feelings. When I suffered depression during my years at university I was prescribed an anti-depressant called Seroxat and I never felt at the time that they were of any help at all. Perhaps they were of help in that they prevented me from slipping deeper into depression but after a year and a half and a failed attempt at receiving counselling, I decided to go it alone and weaned myself off the medication. The result was actually quite positive. I felt I’d made an achievement in getting off the medication and in helping myself and with a more successful second attempt with counselling a couple of years later I came away feeling much more positive about myself and my life. While I would never say I escaped depression in the meantime I certainly felt I had the tools to prevent it ever become debilitating again. At least until now.

After a long discussion with my doctor, of which I’m very grateful as I’ve met many doctors eager to throw medication at a patient without really examining the root causes of their problems or the actual necessity of medication, we did in fact decide on a temporary prescription of an anti-depression called Citalopram. I already have another appointment in with my doctor to review the effects and to decide whether it would be beneficial to continue while my family and my uncle prey on our minds and I am already encouraged by the attention being given to the problem by my doctor. Whilst a little anxious about submitting myself to medication again, I have acknowledged that I needed more help than just discussing my feelings was providing. Hopefully the medication does help though it means I have spent most of the past 10 days coping with the initial, unpleasant, side-effects of anti-depressants as my body adapted to the drug. Shakes, nausea, hot sweats, headaches and dizziness were the main symptoms I’ve been dealing with and my sleeping patterns were disturbed quite badly too. Having lost a lot of weight recently with more while unwell (thanks to a fear of eating in case the nausea brought everything back up) I at least feel physically healthier now that the side-effects have subsided and I’m able to get back to a regular routine.

I am now waiting to see if the medication has positive effects which could still take some time to see but the steps taken in the last few weeks, while not what I’d originally been planning, have at least given me the hope of improvement of my emotional well being and, with the finally completed application & registration of my course, I feel I am making further progression in that area of my life too.

While my original plan never came together as I had intended, I have still reached some of the same goals via a different route. Hopefully I’ll have more positive things to say in my next entry.