Here we go again...

It has been a couple of weeks since my first, and last, entry. Whether these entries will become more frequent or less I am not sure. I had imagined at the time of putting together that first entry that this would be more regular but I’m never particularly consistent with my goals being overly optimistic or pessimistic depending entirely upon my mood at the time.

Anyway, one highlight in the time since my last entry was my trip to Edinburgh. As usual I take holidays alone. Part of this is out of the feeling that it is nice to be able to spend time enjoying my holiday at my own pace and doing things according to my own agenda rather than debating or compromising over activities with a fellow friend and holiday-goer. Another reason is the typical worry that I might be imposing too much upon them by asking them to come or expecting them to compromise on their own enjoyment for mine. It really is their decision to make over whether they want to do that or not and as a friend advised me just yesterday, in regards to my reluctance to tell many friends about my uncle’s situation and how I’m feeling, they might want to be there for me, or with me and I am depriving them of making that choice. It makes me feel somewhat guilty and I guess it should.

Now, back to Edinburgh though and the break itself. I had a good time. The break away from my usual hometown of Nottingham, from my work and all the stress and worries related to it, and as a distraction from the general low feelings I’ve been having were all welcoming. Edinburgh was a good choice for several reasons. First, I’ve always wanted to visit Scotland and with me now fast approaching thirty and knowing that I’ve often taken holidays abroad rather than explore areas of my own country, I felt the trip was long overdue. Another reason was the Edinburgh Film Festival.

One problem I’ve always faced when taking holidays alone is how to fulfil my evenings. Daytimes are fine as attractions are open and I spend the days walking the streets, sightseeing, maybe shopping a little or relaxing in a nice café. In the evening, many activities seem best enjoyed with company. I can, and have, spent times in bars quietly reading to myself in a corner as others engage in more lively, frivolous activities but bars are more frequently a place to enjoy yourself whilst in the company of friends. Dining out is another difficult activity in the evening whilst alone because of the social stigma attached to being seen at a table eating a meal alone. Sometimes you might attend a play or go to the cinema but, if abroad, the options of what you can see and understand (if not in an English-speaking country) can also be limited. In Edinburgh though, particularly during the film festival, I have all my time covered. My days can be spent sightseeing and my evening attending premieres of upcoming films in and environment where attending alone is more acceptable. This worked out quite well and the holiday was very enjoyable.

Amongst the activities I enjoyed including plenty of walking and hiking. The hiking in particular was good as I chose to spend one afternoon hiking up to Arthur’s Seat, the highest point in Edinburgh atop and extinct volcano. The weather was pleasant and turned so hot that I managed to get briefly sunburned leaving tan lines upon my arms that are still clearly visible as I type this. The climb was quite pleasant too if a little too exhausting at times particularly in regards to my knees with which I’ve often suffered aches and pains but try not to allow to prevent me from walking frequently which is an activity I enjoy. The climb took about an hour and required quite a bit of effort at times and even featured one moment that I found particularly humorous when I found, as I approached the top of a peak and turned a corner, another, much higher peak which I still had to climb! Anyway, the activity once completed was enjoyable and gave me a nice feeling of achievement, a feeling I don’t think I’d truly felt in quite a while and I was able to enjoy the breathtaking view of Edinburgh and Scotland. There were plenty of other worthy sights which I enjoyed whilst there including Edinburgh Castle, a trip to the zoo that I enjoyed with an almost childish glee and the National Museum of Scotland that featured several impressive exhibits in a wonderfully laid out facility. I also truly enjoyed the films I was able to see at the festival too and felt particular proud of myself for being brave enough to ask questions of the filmmakers at the Q&A sessions following two of the films I saw.

Away from home and the usual routines and problems, Edinburgh was an enjoyable experience and allowed me to feel more free and confident that I had in a while. Though, in retrospect, I do wonder how much more fun could have been had had I proposed the trip to a few friends and persuaded them to come.

Of course, returning to Nottingham and to work, amongst other things, has brought many problems back. They never go away just because you’re ignoring them, they always wait for you. Work was less of an issue as it, at the moment, little more than tedious but my mind has returned to dwelling upon issues I’ve yet to truly come to terms with like my uncle and with the goals I’ve yet to achieve satisfactorily with my 30th birthday approaching next month, a milestone where, as a child, I’d imagined I would have achieved more by the time I’d reached it. Some doubts that had creeped into my mind prior to my holiday regarding whether I really should pursue further education again at the Open University had resurfaced but I feel have been quashed, for now, after seeing another friend put in an application for a course and after speaking to a work colleague. It is my intention to get the necessary forms filled and sent within the next week. Now that I’ve recorded that intention here I also now feel more compelled to ensure that it is done. The only other goal I’d like to make more of an effort to remedy is my singledom. Whilst enjoying my privacy frequently there are certainly times, such as recently with my uncle, where I feel I really need someone close to me to give emotional support, more so than a friend (and especially since I’m so reluctant to involve friends anyway). That, amongst other reasons, is giving me reason to be concerned and try to better my efforts. However, as always, I have no ideas with which I hold confidence in, to change my situation. Maybe thoughts upon this topic are something to focus upon in my next entry.

That’s it for now. Now I’m going to make an attempt to reach out to a friend for help. A friend other than those I can talk to but remain at a distance from for various reasons (they don’t live nearby or rarely speak to outside of an online environment). Talking about this, putting it down into words somewhere and in some form helps some, but I do need my friends.