I might regret this. Hopefully not.

I need to relax more. I do allow myself plenty of time to relax if, by relax, I mean sitting at home alone watching TV whilst surfing the internet, checking Twitter for updates every 15 minutes or so, rechecking facebook for updates or looking at film and comic book sites for new news and/or interviews with which to pass the time and act as surrogates for actually going out and experiencing life. Of course it occurs to me that this isn’t quite the relaxation that I require as this constant need for new information and, hopefully, some positive attention from people I converse with online actually provides its own kind of stress and can only be classed as relaxation when compared with activities that are more stressful such as actually going to work or going out in public. I find it difficult to just switch off and relax so how many of my personal and private activities can truly be described as relaxation?

These thoughts come after the distressing news I received over the last few days about my uncle. I love my uncle though I rarely say it, in fact I rarely say such things at all to the people those feelings are intended for as though it would be too embarrassing, and the thought of losing my uncle has caused me much anxiety as he, along with my Granddad, are amongst the only male role models I ever really had throughout my life in the absence of an actual father. With my Granddad having passed away a few years ago, the thought of losing my uncle is proving difficult to handle. The news is that my uncle, having been diagnosed with Bowel Cancer recently, had been informed by doctors that the cancer was confined just to his large bowel and that they could operate to remove the bowel. This was the best news we could have hoped for in the situation. While my uncle would have to use a bag to urinate and defecate from then on, the alternative of the cancer having become more aggressive meant that this was still good news. At least this was what we all thought. My uncle had his operation a few days ago and we were told it went well. We were told just that and that he’d need a few weeks to recover and they would discuss what happens next to my uncle after he’d awakened from his operation. All seemed good until the doctors came back and informed my uncle that there was more cancer. It has spread, there is a lot of it and some of it is too solid to be treated by chemotherapy and further operations are not an option either. All this means that nothing can be done, this coming after we all thought there was hope. The doctors cannot even tell my uncle, or us, how much time he might have left right now. It’s all up to the cancer now and how quickly it continues to spread.

The point of all this is and how it relates to how I thought I was relaxing is that in my sadness and pain, in my family’s sadness and pain, my usual avenues to talk to friends has, so far, proven ineffective as a means of finding support. How can I talk about this through facebook, Twitter or even e-mail? In times of grief everything seems so trite, on the internet it seems especially so. However, I’ve gotten so used to talking to friends through an electronic medium that actually phoning a friend or visiting a friend seems strange and too much of an imposition on their time to even consider. At the moment there is still family to rally round and talk to though it seems hard for my family, or at least for me, to discuss our feelings at times such as these. We know we are hurting but it is through an almost unspoken acknowledgment and that seems enough for us, for now. We are rallying around, in our own way, to show support for my uncle and for each other though at this particular moment, so soon after the news, we all still seem a bit frozen, paralyzed by the news and its implications.

My only avenue at the moment, it feels, is to try and put down what I’m feeling and thinking. So here we are. The irony of recognising the relative ineffectiveness of the internet as a tool to communicate, seek support or to relax yet finding it of help right now is not lost on me. If you are reading this then thank you. I would likely be better off though telling you all this face to face in an environment where I can’t control every expression to the littlest detail and allow myself to be vulnerable. It would probably be more of a release.

What I should be doing, what we all should be doing if you’re finding yourself in a similar situation or having similar thoughts and feelings, is letting go a bit more and finding ways to relax that actually relax you and if the ability to communicate through something like the internet and its many social networking platforms is proving too distracting, too addictive, that it prevents relaxation or is isolating you from more beneficial means of support and company then that is all the more reason to turn off your computer and try something else. Go meet your friends, I should too, and allow for the unpredictability of what might occur. Let go of the supposedly safe environment of your home and your computer or of your own mind and allow yourself to be vulnerable. I realise more right now that letting go would be more helpful and more relaxing not just with what I’m going through at this time but with my life as a whole.

My usual avenues for communication and relaxation should be tools to aid and arrange them and not be used as substitutes for either. With some effort I can make the change.