I'm not sure where I'm going with this...

I haven’t got access to my recent entries as I type this new entry for my blog (which I usually draft away from home as way to stave off boredom elsewhere), so I’m entirely sure what I said previously. I know I certainly discussed moving to get onto anti-depressants and going through the side effects that starting on such a drug brings. I’ll lead on from there for the time being.

My last experience with anti-depressants was so long ago that my main recollections of the drug was the nausea that accompanied the start of my time on the drug and the fact that I felt that they’re weren’t working, that my mood never seemed to improve. This time around, and with the help of these entries, I can at least have a record of my experiences this time around. Firstly, the physical symptoms of being on the drug seem to have subsided almost completely. There has been the occasional day, even six weeks after starting the drug, where I’ve felt slightly nauseous again (usually after having something dairy) and a few occasions where the shakes and/or hot sweats have resurfaced but these have been few and far between compared to the amount of days without any of these symptoms. Emotionally however, while feeling calmer and less anxious than before, I have continued to have good days and bad. Sometimes they’ve been the same day.

I have had some bad days, or I should say low days, since I noticed an improvement in my overall calm which is an improvement I am currently crediting to the anti-depressants. These low days have also been difficult in that it has been hard on some occasions to pinpoint why I’m feeling low and/or see what triggered the mood. Work tends to be the main reason when I can identify one, the usual frustrations with colleagues or fighting occasional bouts of boredom still persisting. My uncle’s condition (worsening) has been a reason too of course. After speaking to Zoe, I have taken the decision that upon my next visit to my doctor to discuss the progress of my current treatment that I will request to be put on the waiting list for further counselling. Counselling has helped before and while I felt it unnecessary this time around when I first approached my doctor, the appeal of speaking to someone impartial especially considering that I know that not all my frustrations revolve around my uncle, means that counselling really could help even if I am still somewhat doubtful. It is only a waiting list, or will be, at the moment and should be mood change in the time it takes to be scheduled to see a counsellor then I can decline that treatment at a later date. I have little to lose.

There have been good days too. Sometimes, almost without reason also, I have found myself feeling remarkably positive, optimistic and bursting with confidence. While these occasions seem to last for a shorter period than the periods where I feel low they have, nevertheless, been very very welcome. I have also found that my interest in things that I’ve previously found on the decline have begun to increase again. While I am a man and sex is never that far from my mind, my actual interest in sex had certainly declined in recent years and the length of time where I have been single. Just recently though I have found my interest increasing again (and a very recent return to having dreams, of which I don’t remember having for years, has been amusing and welcome). It has been quite surprising and pleasant if a little frustrating at times too given I am still single but it has been welcome all the same. I am also finding myself more romantically interested in others than I have been in a long time which also bears equal measures of good and bad feeling. Good that I am interested, bad in the usual way that I’ve usually been when confronted with such feelings where I question my worthiness, question whether I should act upon them and especially question what would happen if I did act upon these interests especially if they resulted in a positive response (which usually develop another fear within me of it being taken away at a later date). I haven’t really acted upon these feelings though. I tiptoe around them, try to hint here and there but am ultimately too shy and scared of what the actual response would be that I know that while I feel more at ease and confident than I have in a long time, my confidence isn’t strong enough yet. I am still grateful for these feelings though and am perfectly happy with them the way they are for the time being.

Other positives I’ve noticed recently are that I’m finding it easier to sleep. To get to sleep that is as my usual habit of finding myself wide awake at 1 or 2am trying to turn off my mind and rest has started to be overwhelmed by physical exhaustion that has begun to arise with midnight now being the more traditional hour where I feel ready for bed and relaxing enough to fall asleep sooner being much easier thanks to that exhaustion. Of course this has also resulted in greater difficulty in waking up in the morning! Some days are harder than most when I know I have to be at work but generally I am feeling better rested than before. My recent, and continued, weight loss which, while not an effect of the anti-depressants, has been uplifting too. Having managed to lose 20 lbs in weight since May, I seem thinner and healthier than before even if the weight loss is only really noticeable on my legs, sides and face rather than around by belly which is where I’d prefer to see the weight-loss, I am feeling pleased with the results and all the more invested in losing more and exercising a little more to assist the loss.

Recording the recent events and changes just in this entry has already proven to be helpful. While I know I had been having good days I had been thinking quite a lot on the low days and of times where I notice my frustrations in the workplace resurfacing but in describing the positive feelings and changes that I’ve been having then I see that there has, perhaps, been more of a positive upswing to my life recently. Whether this is just the anti-depressants, though I like to think they’re just helping and I’m finding my own strength to improve (I’m certainly pushing myself to be more social and go out with friends), it is still an improvement. I’m far too sceptical of life and for good reason, to start believing that everything is going to continue to get better and that future entries here will see an increased level of positivity but it’s reassuring to know that, if only for the moment, there is some good happening.